PTSD+

I live in constant fear

It wasn't until my 30's that I became conscious of this. Any time if asked about it while I was younger would deny it, out of fear.

What happened?

I always remembered some of the abuse I suffered as a child, completely unaware that was merely the tip of the iceberg.

I always remembered some of the beatings, just flashes of it really, not the whole incidents, but never knew what they were for — what they were supposed to correct me of or "teach" me (obviously what you teach a child by beating them is that the world's cruel, adults will hurt you and can't be trusted), and I certainly had no idea how those horrors had shaped me.

In 2018 I began remembering all the rest.

My life began to make a lot more sense.

Notably was understanding:

• the state of constant fear, literally afraid of everyone, just afraid, always, of many things.
• alienation and such an inhumane level of solitude
• many more things (described in the book)

Traumatization

PTSD refers to a certain part of the spectrum of traumatization. It's defined by a having a minimum number of the symptoms/experiences listed. I have all those symptoms listed there and many, many more that aren't.

Homelessness the last few years has significantly compounded my trauma.

While I'm making good progress overcoming the debilitating effects of the "schizophrenic" factors I'm facing, I'm definitively not healing from trauma, only accruing more of it.

Healing

@TODO

Sharing my story

I'm interested in using my story as a tool for change. The systems are so bad, horrendous, really, and the solutions are so simple.

The journey's not over…

What I personally need in order to heal is so simple, yet unavailable, so my condition exacerbates and worsens, and has me in a bit of a crisis. I could certainly use some help.

Most upsetting is lacking ammenity to do my work.